Can a Man and Woman Be Just Friends?

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I have previously published two posts on the "friend zone"—the area of mismatched romantic or sexual expectations between friends. In the first, I shared some possible techniques to escape the friend zone and potentially turn from friend to young man or girlfriend. In the second, I discussed this problem a bit more, sharing tips on how to avoid the friend zone in the first place.

Both posts received a good deal of commentary and stirred contend on whether men and women can be "only friends." Overall, comments suggested that men and women might take very different goals and motives for their "friendship," as each may wait at the responsibilities of friendship and honey a bit differently. As a consequence, they tend to co-create this friend zone confusion.

I took a look at the research literature on men and women being friends. Apparently, inquiry into this question began near a decade ago. Bleske and Kiss (2000) surveyed college students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite-sex friendships in their lives. In general, many of these benefits and costs were the same for both men and women: Both sexes enjoyed opposite-sex friends for dinner companions, conversation partners, self-esteem boosts, information about the opposite sex, social status, respect, and sharing resource. Both sexes likewise noted some similar costs of opposite-sex activity friendship, such equally jealousy, confusion over the status of the human relationship, dearest non beingness reciprocated, cruel or mean behaviors, and being less attractive to potential romantic partners considering of the friendship.

Male and female responses differed on a few key items though. Men were more than likely to meet sex and romantic potential in an opposite-sex friend as a benefit, while women primarily saw information technology as a price. Equally a result, men were besides more than likely than women to report that they had sex with an opposite-sex friend (22 per centum vs. eleven percent for women). Men were besides more likely to report friendship costs of lowered self-worth and giving time to help the friend, while women found their ain disability to reciprocate the male person's attraction as plush. Therefore, when friendships did non plough sexual or romantic, men were often left feeling rejected and used (i.e., "friend zoned"), while women felt uncomfortable with the unequal attraction. In contrast, when friendships did turn romantic/sexual, some of these men continued to label the women every bit "just friends"—at about double the rate of women. This leads to the "other" friend zone women more than routinely face up, the "friends-with-benefits zone," where sexual activity may be shared merely delivery is not reciprocated.

Women reported their own unique costs and benefits in contrary-sex friendships. They were more probable to feel the benefit of their male friends paying for outings and enjoyed the physical protection of those friends. (Men saw these as costs of time and money.) Women likewise enjoyed the ability to network through male person friends. However, as noted above, women found information technology plush when those male friends desired sex or romance. They also disliked when their male person friends caused difficulty in the women's other dating efforts.

Revisiting the Friend Zone and Friendship Problems

The research above supports the notion that men and women may sometimes have very different goals and desires in opposite-sex friendships. Although both may sometimes exist looking for a companion and nothing more, on other occasions, plans may differ.

To make matters worse, each sexual activity sees the other's benefit as their own price. Thus, women tend to observe information technology costly and onerous when male friends desire sexual practice and romance. Men, in dissimilarity, observe the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, nosotros have the makings of friendship difficulties.

What does this mean for the "friend zone?" As I have written previously, the friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, in which the desires of both friends are not every bit met. It may be in a "but friends" context, with resource being shared (usually gratifying the adult female'southward needs), but sex activity and romance is not an pick (usually frustrating the homo). A mismatch tin as well occur in a "friends-with-benefits" context, where sexual activity is existence shared (usually satisfying the man), only resources and protection are not forthcoming (unremarkably frustrating the woman).

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Although these patterns are the well-nigh common, it is important to note that either sex activity can experience either situation. Some women may desire no-strings-attached sex with a friend. Some men may desire a long-term relationship with a hook-up buddy. The important thing to think is the mismatch in goals. The trade is non every bit satisfying for both friends.

Tips for Negotiating a Satisfying Opposite-Sexual activity Friendship

The research to a higher place (and many people's experience) shows that information technology may often be hard for men and women to be friends. They often have very dissimilar expectations for what that "friendship" will entail. However, there is some mutual footing. So, with a bit of effort, satisfying friendships can be created (at least in some situations).

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1. Understand different friendship needs.

It is common for people to think almost what they want merely. They may even think what they desire is somehow more noble, important, or urgent. That simply is non the case.

When entering into any relationship, even a simple friendship, what others desire may be unlike. Each person's goals for the friendship may be unique. Some people desire companionship, others resource. Some want sexual activity, others commitment. To accept a friendship of any kind, it is of import to respect those differences. Don't let anyone shame yous out of your desires. Don't practice it to your "friends" in render either.

2. Communicate your intentions.

Frustration and difficulty start when both individuals are not honest about their goals. For instance, a man may claim he desires merely companionship when he really wants a girlfriend. Or, a woman may claw-upwardly, when she really desires to be dined, protected, and dated. Without knowing, their "friends" may non take care of those needs (taking them at their word and deed).

So, if you want something specific out of a friendship, it is important to evidence it. That may mean a conversation and asking questions. It may likewise mean interim more like a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" than a simple friend from the kickoff, making sexual or commitment requests early on. For example, some men say that they "don't pay for outings unless a woman is looking for a relationship." Some women communicate that they "don't sleep with men who are not interested in a longer relationship." Yet others talk about their pre-existing relationship, letting others know that "friendship just" is available.

In any instance, it is important for both parties to be clear about what volition and volition not be role of the "friendship." It is essential to communicate your desires and listen to those of others.

iii. Only stay with fair trades.

Sometimes both "friends" are looking to slowly transition to beloved and commitment. Other times, both are looking for some sexual benefits besides. Yet others share only a mutual desire for company, chat, and mutual support. All of these are skillful foundations for satisfying (and frustration-free) reverse-sex friendships. Most frequently, these will occur when both individuals have the same desires for love and sex with a friend. These balanced and satisfying friendships are also likely to occur in situations where both friends accept their own needs for love, sex, resource, and protection met from a separate girlfriend or boyfriend.

With other friendships, desires may not match up then well. In those situations, costs mount, frustrations rise, and hard feelings result. Therefore, it is oftentimes all-time to finish those friendships early for all involved. When y'all find yourself wanting more in a friendship (or hookup) and that want is not reciprocated, walk away. Similarly, when you don't want more than, merely your friend does, cutting them loose. In either case, failing to deed, or convincing others to stay against their needs, will simply bring yous costs. And so, relieve yourself the frustration of pouring time and coin into a lost cause. Or, be sure to let that love-ill friend down rapidly, earlier they ruin your other relationships and make you experience bad.

Zero yous hope to gain from a curt-term, unequal friendship will be worth the costs that eventually show upwards. So, when the exchange is not equal, even if it is initially in your favor, end it. Walk abroad earlier the negative consequences add up. Only stay with friends who feel the aforementioned.

Determination

Can men and women be just friends? In many cases, the respond is no. Sometimes that is a good thing, when both people meet friendship as a step to mutually satisfying honey, sexual activity, and/or commitment. At other times, men and women cannot be simply friends considering but one friend desires something more. Those mismatched desires between men and women atomic number 82 to diff friend-zone situations, in which 1 person's needs are completely satisfied at the other's expense. Those unfortunate instances and the frustrations around them are the friendship problems we hear so much about.

Friendship betwixt men and women is non impossible. Notwithstanding, information technology does crave finding someone with friendship goals matching your ain. Communicating clearly and leaving when at that place is not a friction match is key. Likewise, if you desire to be "just friends," it may be better to selection friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you tin can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.

© 2013 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, Yard.A., M.Southward.West., Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201304/can-men-and-women-be-just-friends

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